controlling my thoughts...................

Some wise woman/man once said that thought is faster than light. It is true, it is extremely difficult to control the amount of thoughts that passes through my mind/brain (where ever it is). Happy, sad, worry, anger, funny, bad or evil, jealous, fear all kind of emotions have their place in my thoughts. Sometimes i wonder why on earth am i thinking certain things. It is curious what happens if we always speaks our mind or what we think. O God!!!!!!!!!!!!! that would be disastrous......... I can't even think of it.

It is pleasant to have nice warm relaxing thoughts, taking things positively, being at peace with one self. It is a difficult thing to find peace with oneself when we fight with our self. It is a tedious path but the fight is worth it...........trust me. Basically deep down we are all good and that is what matters the most.......have a nice time 

sharing time with friends........

Sharing time with friends is a good thing, visiting a friend's house, cooking with her, washing and cleaning after eating, chatting (mostly gossiping), having tea, making fun of each other........it is an endless list. Earlier i used to be hesitant to spend time with friends because i never had many friends and those who were close to me lived in other cities. Mumbai has changed my life a lot (positively); i made a few friends, started spending time with them and found it okay to spend time with friends. 

I have to agree that i wasn't very good at making friends but by God's grace the friends i have are good and accept me the way i am. That is what we all expect from a friend - acceptance and care.......

In the past (a few years ago) i wasn't good at all in maintaining friendship but even then i used to have one good friend who really cared for me, I don't know how but there was always someone to support and care me. they didn't expect me to give that back but they were there........and they still keep in touch with me.....Thank you so much for being such a good friend...

I am thankful to God for giving me such good friends......
:)

August 7......a big loss.....

August is a painful memory, this is the month i lost my brother forever.........
I wasn't a great sister but i loved my brother, i don't know how much he loved me......
In retrospect our relationship wasn't the ideal bro-sis relationship but a very normal and regular one.....i wasn't aware of many things in his life and neither did he know what was happening in my life....but the vacuum his death made was huge in our life......sometimes i  feel he is alive and hiding from us.....but i know that is not true......
It has been three years now and still the memories are as fresh as it happened yesterday....all the memories i have about him is connected to our childhood.....we were close then, he used to play with me and was very fond of me.....later when we grew up we became two different individuals and we distanced from each other......the distance became so wide that we rarely call each other.........
Before his death we didn't call each other for a month not because we were angry with each other but we didn't find time to call each other......we never felt the need to call....i feel guilty that i didn't call him for so long, i should have called him everyday but i didn't.......i wasn't a good sister......and i am really very sorry about that.....where ever you are please forgive me......and rest in peace..

I miss you my dear brother.....  

miles to go before i sleep........inspiration

Inspiration is one word that surprises me all the time, because most of the time i drew inspiration from small incidences. Why? i don't know........
There are moments in life where nothing inspires you and you just want to enjoy that melancholy ......after many days you resurrect from the pain and get on with life......It gives a lot of energy to make the rest of the time......
I wish each day i could do something good, something different (not harmful for others off course) something which make me feel worthy, most of the days i feel that i have done something good and different but there are days i felt so unproductive and sad......the worst part is that you cannot do anything about it.......
The best part of a productive and happy day is that you keep thinking about it and tell no one (at least in my case) about it....that feeling of happiness and success is just for me to put confidence in myself to believe that i can become a better person day by day.......

May all of you have a happy day........ :)

a small prayer...............

Every morning i get up with a small prayer. It gives me a lot of strength to face that day. I admit that i am scared when i get up in the morning thinking what is in store for me that day. This insecurity is a part of my life for many years now. My mother and one of my good friends told me to start the day with a prayer. It really worked.
Prayer has become an inevitable part of my life now. It doesn't mean things are always fine, most of the time it is worse. God is clever, he/she give problems so that we keep calling her/him......;) Prayer in the sense not sitting and chanting, or going to temple or church, but talking to the God about what i feel, thanking for everything he/she has given me, asking to take care of my worries and my life, asking for forgiveness for the hurting somebody.....list is endless. I make sure i thank him/her for everything she/he has given me. It gives a lot of happiness when i thank for what i have, it keeps me grounded and remind me of how little and powerless i am with out God.

May God bless you with all the happiness in the world......... :)
Have a nice day.

raising my voice .....worth reading

The book written by Malalai Joya is worth reading, it instills hope and courage to face life. I was mesmerized by her courage to fight with people who are out to destroy her and her country. It takes a lot of mental strength to speak your mind when you know that will cause your life. This is one women who does that with elan, i wish we all had such courage and will to face our lives......
The book also portrays the situation of normal people living in an armed conflict area. It changed my perception about everything i had.....people can't even meet their basic needs, education, happiness....

God i am thankful to your for giving all the comforts in my life. I will never complain about anything in my life.I felt blessed for getting so much when many don't even have basic necessities. I have loving parents, education, friends, books, house...... thank you so much

Have a nice day

rain rain come again

I love rain, it is beautiful to watch rain through my window. It is all green outside my window trees, trees, trees, and a faraway hill with lots of trees. It is a beautiful and peaceful sight and when it rains it is heavenly.

This year i didn't see much rain and that is bad. When i was a kid i never liked getting drenched in the rain, but as i grew up my relationship with rain also changed. Raining became a mesmerizing experience.  If there is a little bit of wind with the rain wow i love umbrellas flying

Technically if it doesn't rain we will have severe water shortage. That is not the only problem as far as i am concerned. If it doesn't rain we won't feel connected to the nature.......  

Have a nice (rainy) day :))

Personality disorders or PDs

I have to take a class on PDs. Last time i took a class on Schizophrenia, which was easy since my research work is on schizophrenia. PD is one area which i don't wanted to study even during my MSW because I felt some of the symptoms are present in me too..... :). When i discussed this with my teacher she said it is natural that we try to compare those symptoms with our behavior. She thought she had depression......

PDs are not considered as severe as schizophrenia ( this is my understanding which could be wrong) but can make the person dysfunctional....any mental illness can affect the regular life of a person (some times severely some times mildly....)

when we get highly stressed it is difficult to carryout our daily activities as we normally do, we need to put an extra bit of effort to make the day. Okay leave the stress out, take for example a headache (small or big) how badly we get irritated...These are small things but can change our day from better to worse...

A person living with severe mental illness such as mood disorder, schizophrenia have their good days too  when they are able to take care of themselves without any assistance, when they spend some quality time with their family and friends, or when they get appreciation for small things they do that is a good day for them....It is here that our small appreciative words and kind acts bring light to their life....We don't have to do anything for them but don't isolate them that is all they wanted.....And i felt (from my experience) that they will never forget what we do for them and are always thankful :)

Have a great day..........

disorganised days

many a times i feel that my days are haphazard and disorganised.
i think every day that I have to make a plan or a time table that will structure my day
but it remains just as a thought.
may be what i need is a job (i am unemployed :)) along with my PhD work....but doing PhD and a job can be very hectic...recently one of my friend who had a job, enrolled in PhD, baby and a husband had a problem in dealing with all of these . she thought since baby, husband, and PhD can't be thrown away it is better to throw the job....and she did....
I have to get a schedule that keeps me organised.....starting from today.......:)